FALLING APART
About this time there were rumours that ILEA was considering amalgamating the Infant and Junior schools: if this went ahead it was likely that I might be jobless and homeless – what was I doing taking on more financial responsibility? It took a while for the decision to be made and the wheels set in motion. It was a very anxious time. The Junior head got herself another headship, the inspectorate asked if I would apply for the combined schools, as they wanted me to promote my methods up through the Junior school. I applied, the male deputy head who was by now acting head of the Junior school also applied, I was appointed to the post, the male deputy became my deputy, he, and the Junior staff actively worked against me to the extent that, rather than pushing my methods upwards, what I had achieved over the past ten years was being eroded. In a nutshell the ethos the Junior staff believed in was that they were there to teach and the kids to learn and be disciplined regardless of any other influences in their lives. Also, they knew that I had not had much experience of teaching 7 - 11 year old children so I was constantly being told “We don't do it like that”. I couldn't be forceful enough; eventually sinking into periods of extreme anxiety and depression for which there was psychiatric treatment at St. Thomas' Hospital. The lowest point I remember was just before Christmas, sitting in the waiting room decorated with tinsel garlands and Christmas tree, crying my heart out, but angered by the insensitivity of all this celebration when some people were feeling so wretched. The consultant, his college scarf hanging on the door, looked about 18 – far too young to be of any help, I thought. For two years I struggled, telling myself it was an illness I was going to beat: The ILEA medics gave me six months leave, the inspectorate gave me the opportunity to spend time in another good school, but it was too late. Eventually I was diagnosed with school phobia, and was invalided out of the teaching profession in 1983, after twenty years of service.